peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
