Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
