You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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