I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize