Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
