The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
