I wanna passion pit in your ass
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
