I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
