I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
