I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
