you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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