At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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