You don't have asthma, your pregnant
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
time to smoke my breakfast
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
