For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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