Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
They are going to name an STD after you.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
