peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
