woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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