On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
