He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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