quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
