Tell her she can't have a vagina
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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