So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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