u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
