I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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