I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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