nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
