my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize