I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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