Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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