i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
