You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You need a sexual gate keeper
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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