just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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