she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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