the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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