If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
