I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
