You just made me feel so damn special
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
