Who did Billy Mays play for?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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