my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize