I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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