I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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