maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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