Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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