Kiss
Puke
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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