you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
