It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
