Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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