Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
