You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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