A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
