My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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