Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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