you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
