theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
