Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
