The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
