she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
