im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
